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Let’s rank robots by how good they’d be at Ninja Warrior

It’s going to happen. Why fight it?

Everyone is freaking out over this robot named Atlas from Boston Dynamics. Why? Because it’s WAY better at parkour than it should be. Like, IT CAN DO A BACKFLIP.

Sorry, Ninjas. It was only a matter of time before the robots came for your jobs. We’ll miss you.

We’re just going to go ahead and start scoring the all-robot season of American Ninja Warrior right now.

Sico, “Rocky IV”

Brings cake, which is good. Seems top heavy, which is bad. 3/10

Atom, “Real Steel”

Needs a LOT of sideline coaching. Lacking confidence. 4/10

Data, “Star Trek: The Next Generation”

Smart, adaptable, has thumbs. We’re into it. 8/10

Replicants, “Blade Runner”


Giant, “Iron Giant”

Makes us cry. Destroys the course. Sign us up. 10/10

C-3PO, “Star Wars”

Nope. It ain’t happening. 1/10

Wall-E, “Wall-E”

You say no. We say... Wall-E is a good robot. A very good robot. We won’t tolerate speaking ill of Wall-E. He gets to be on the show. 12/10

The Terminator, “Terminator”

Ugh. Keeps getting DQ-ed, but won’t stop showing up. It’s getting annoying. 5/10

HAL-9000, “2001: A Space Odyssey”

Calmly informs us that it has won American Ninja Warrior. We agree. We TOTALLY agree. 11/10